Friday, August 21, 2009

For Posterity

I'm standing up in yet another wedding tomorrow. (This is my 9th for those of you keeping score at home.) I just got home from the rehearsal, and there are a few things I want to document, lest I forget them:

#1: The bride's parents are both deaf. The groom's dad learned his speech tonight in sign language. If that doesn't at least make you misty, you may not be human.

#2: The priest was running us through the mass.

Priest: Gospel, homily, you know, the boring stuff.

Other Hilarious Bridesmaid: Homilies are my jam, yo.

Me: *Completely losing my shit* And never really regaining it, when tales turn to dipping a communion host in guac, then doing a slip'n slide through the altar as an alternate means of ending the ceremony. Also, trying to convince a separate engaged couple to say "Ditto" every time the couple getting married says anything so that they can save themselves the hassle of a big wedding. These are good ideas!!!!

#3: I'm not even kidding about wanting the bride's sister-in-law to be my friend for real. I just had a dance party with her and a whole lotta relatives who were a really good time. Including 2 deaf uncles who told me that my shoes were hot.

Tomorrow is going to be so fun. I'd better get some sleep.

SOTD: Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson. Am I being trendy with the MJ stuff? No, it was the last song the groom's father played from his iPod when they called last call. Who's jealous that I still have another night of partying ahead of me? I'm off to drink some water and cut up fruit, because I offered to bring breakfast tomorrow.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

New love

No matter what I tend to whine about, I can always come back to the good things I have going when I need to.

Today, I have a new love in my life. I loved him in my imagination, and I'm thrilled to get the opportunity to get to know him and fall in love with the person he is going to be. His name is Jaden, he is my sister's baby, and he is beautiful.

How could you not love that face? Look at his perfect little nose! I also love how newborn babies always look so tired when they first get here. Like, "WHEW! That was one crazy ride."

SOTD: Waiting for Jaden by ALO. The wait has ended. (I was soooo wrong on my guess about when he would actually show up, but I have forgiven him.)

Monday, August 10, 2009


...and the livin' is easy.

You guys? Craig Ferguson is really funny. And he gets no play in the media. Every time I watch his show (more often that I should in the summer...I'm only up for the sake of being up right now) I feel like I'm the only one watching, but he cracks me UP.

Randomly, I have to tell you- not working is great. Really. But I'm unfocused, which is trouble because I'm the sort of person that needs to be busy to accomplish anything. If I'm busy, I'm focused. These days...meh.

I went out for a few beers with my friend Frank earlier. I was bored and called him to see what he was up to. He was all, "Sure, I'll come out, what's the plan?" And I was like, " plan was 1) call Frank, then 2) leave house." It worked out, because Frank is also a teacher and up for Monday night beers, but it threw me that he expected me to have a plan. Beyond the one I outlined here.

But oh, boo-hoo, poor me. I'm not working and I'm bored. Someone smack me. It's cool, I know I deserve it.

I went to a bachelorette party this weekend. It was super chill and awesome. But don't think that I didn't show all of those girls my boobs. I want a commission at Intimacy, because they were all very impressed with my boobs. That is seriously as crazy as it got. Don't be jealous.

Carrot Top is still not funny. After all these years...just thought you should know.

In reading this blog lately, I feel like I'm not myself. It has not been funny, and I know that. Know that I am working on it, and will get back to being funny as soon as I can.

SOTD: Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by the Smiths. I think I'm going to officially show up to the party 25 years late and become a huge melancholy Smiths junkie. I've always sort of peripherally liked them, but lately I find myself drawn to them.

Friday, August 7, 2009


Boys who read this blog:

If you are uncomfortable with me talking about my boobs in a non sexy way, then you should probably skip this post. You have been warned.

To the ladies:

Ok, so in general as much as I know stuff about Oprah and I hear what she's talking about and I've watched more than I care to admit, she actually really tends to get on my nerves a lot of the time. I know. Call me crazy, but she is really annoying.

Awhile back, she did this whole thing about how women aren't wearing the right bra sized, and there's a store here that does these fittings and every brand is different so you really have to go check. It sounded ridiculous to me. But in all honesty, I have hated bra shopping for the last few years. It's no fun when you're a bigger girl and none of the bras are pretty and they don't fit right.

But today I went to that store. And it cost me a fortune, but I bought two new bras today that are AMAZING. I have perky boobs! And there is no spillage or backfat or weird jiggly spots. I am in love with these boobs I have right now. I've been flashing everyone. Including Tedd, who approves of my new bra. So I am going to endorse the store Intimacy, and ask for donations so I can go back. For real. It is NOT cheap.

SOTD: Girls! by the Beastie Boys.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


So you know what rocks?

My backyard. And my neighbors and wine.

What makes it better is when my upstairs neighbor finds out that I broke up with BB and is like, "Let's drink and talk about it in the backyard." My neighbors are the mf'n BOMB. Seriously, I couldn't ask for a better building. Have I mentioned that?

For real, my slack ass housewarming party is the 15th, and I'm combining it with Teddy's b-day. Come if you can. There's plenty of space.

I'm watching Jonah Hill on Letterman and he's gotten really fat. Other than my drinking today, I've been working out and eating salads. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Funny side note: When I accidentally typed ho instead of how, my nazi spell check didn't argue. My school-based (I'm using my school computer because it's nicer) computer is okay with the word ho. Bring on the hookers, yo.

SOTD: There Goes the Fear by the Doves. Because it's in (500) Days of Summer which I LOVED. And it's in Catch and Release, which is an okay flick if you're depressed and/or from Boulder. But seriously, my break up brain loved the Summer flick. Indy endings are so much better than Hollywood endings. I'm mostly over the BB thing, but it makes me feel better to watch other people not succeed through no fault of their own. Make sense? I'm okay, but it's nice to not feel like it's my fault.