I owe two posts about two things from my list that I have accomplished, but this week has been a little batty.
The good news is that today is Leap Day, the day that nothing matters!!!!
Listen up, people: Four years ago, it was Leap Day and it was the best day ever. Friendships were made that won't ever go away. Raw croissant dough was eaten, Green River spilled down our faces...there was leap frogging, kite flying, and pants dropping all in the name of forgetting your troubles and celebrating having an extra day in the year.
Meryn is here, and Blaire, Skylar, and I have taken the day off of work. Alice is working it out. People are showing up in the next 20 mins. to begin the festivities. I can't wait. I've already heard a rumor that Leap Boy 08 may have already been found, but I haven't been able to get the details yet.
All in all, it's going to be amazing. Happy Leap Day everyone. We all get an extra day this year to appreciate the good things we have going. So take advantage.
XOXO.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Forgot one
One more thing I meant to add-
Sawyer from Lost (Shut UP, Lost. I will deal with you later. I don't know what to think about you, but ...just...I can't right now. Go sit in the corner until I am ready to talk to you about #5 of the 6. Because we are sort of in a fight.)
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, someone told me today that Sawyer from Lost is in the Aerosmith video for "Cryin'". He's the guy that steals Alicia Silverstone's purse, and then she kicks the crap out of him. That's kind of awesome.
Sawyer from Lost (Shut UP, Lost. I will deal with you later. I don't know what to think about you, but ...just...I can't right now. Go sit in the corner until I am ready to talk to you about #5 of the 6. Because we are sort of in a fight.)
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, someone told me today that Sawyer from Lost is in the Aerosmith video for "Cryin'". He's the guy that steals Alicia Silverstone's purse, and then she kicks the crap out of him. That's kind of awesome.
Random Friday
I haven't had a chance to pull my haircut pics off of the camera yet, so I'll have a post that makes sense sometime later. For today, I have a lot of random thoughts.
One week until Leap Day, bitches. I just secured us some free Green River, and I'm thinking of compiling a Leap Boy questionnaire with my spare time.
The internet radio I listen to at work sometimes gives me funny little presents. Like, does anyone remember that Jennifer Love Hewitt used to pretend she wanted a singing career? I didn't either, but did you know that one of her songs is called "Let's Go Bang"?! I had to go to her official website to find that crap, so please appreciate it. But seriously? Let's go bang? I thought she was supposed to be all wholesome and stuff. That is DIRTY. And not a very good song.
Also, I totally LOVE this song. But I caught the video this morning, and I couldn't believe how cheap it looked. Doesn't Robert Plant have any money? Or Alison Krauss for that matter? Way to spring for a treadmill. And the bubble machine. What? Anyway, wait until it hits about the :37 mark- they have those windsock people things. Every time I see those things, I think of my internship at the State Fair. We used them there, and the company called them "blowing people". So we had a lot of meeting notes that said things like, "Shane is in charge of blowing people at the front entrance." Man, I miss those days.
I'm headed to LA this weekend, and all I want to do is remember what it's like to be out of doors with less than 7 layers of clothing, and perhaps see the sun so I can reacquaint myself. Right now they are predicting rain.
Dear universe- I remembered to pack my sunglasses! Please don't make a mockery of me. xoxo, Rachel
Have a great weekend!
One week until Leap Day, bitches. I just secured us some free Green River, and I'm thinking of compiling a Leap Boy questionnaire with my spare time.
The internet radio I listen to at work sometimes gives me funny little presents. Like, does anyone remember that Jennifer Love Hewitt used to pretend she wanted a singing career? I didn't either, but did you know that one of her songs is called "Let's Go Bang"?! I had to go to her official website to find that crap, so please appreciate it. But seriously? Let's go bang? I thought she was supposed to be all wholesome and stuff. That is DIRTY. And not a very good song.
Also, I totally LOVE this song. But I caught the video this morning, and I couldn't believe how cheap it looked. Doesn't Robert Plant have any money? Or Alison Krauss for that matter? Way to spring for a treadmill. And the bubble machine. What? Anyway, wait until it hits about the :37 mark- they have those windsock people things. Every time I see those things, I think of my internship at the State Fair. We used them there, and the company called them "blowing people". So we had a lot of meeting notes that said things like, "Shane is in charge of blowing people at the front entrance." Man, I miss those days.
I'm headed to LA this weekend, and all I want to do is remember what it's like to be out of doors with less than 7 layers of clothing, and perhaps see the sun so I can reacquaint myself. Right now they are predicting rain.
Dear universe- I remembered to pack my sunglasses! Please don't make a mockery of me. xoxo, Rachel
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
How #23 made the list
To save you the trouble of scrolling, #23 on my list is karaoke. It may seem like a silly thing to include on a list like this, so please, allow me to explain.
When I was younger, I LOVED to sing, and I didn't care who heard. I belted it out anytime I could. My stuffed animals were subjected to many concerts, and there was always generous applause. In 8th grade, I was in choir, and even then I did a solo in front of the whole school.
My freshman year of college, I lived in the dorms two doors down from the wonderful Sarah. She also loved (loves?) to sing. Whenever we needed to blow off a little steam, or just be really obnoxious, we'd crank some Alanis Morissette or Sarah McLachlan or RENT (It was '97, people) and lay on the floor and sing at the top of our lungs to the captive audience of our waffle shaped ceilings. The ladies on our floor LOVED it.
When I made the decision to leave that school, Sarah and I were both sad because we'd formed one of those friendships where you knew that it would be forever, but being at different schools was going to make our lives a lot harder. Somehow, we hadn't managed to make any other friends there. This is ridiculous, especially if you know how fabulous we both are. Anyway, before I left, we decided to get really drunk and make ourselves a little mix tape to remind us of the good times. We called it "Singing to the Waffle".
That was 10 years ago. We've stayed very close, despite living far apart, and for my birthday, she burned me cds of that same mix. It cracks me up, but it was a great gift. I threw the cd in while I was home alone and taking a shower the other day (there is no way to write that without it sounding weirdly dirty in my head) and realized that I still really love belting out those songs to no one in particular.
At some point in the last 10 years, I'd forgotten that I loved to sing. I started hating my voice, because I believe that I sound like a child when I speak, and in many of my jobs to date, that has hindered my ability to advance. (Male dominated industries do not really like the idea of dealing with 10 year olds. Jerks.)
In a mere six weeks, I will be working with children full time. The odds of me having to sing in front of them is 100%. And if I hate my voice, I'm only hurting myself. So I need to reclaim that part of me that knows I'll never have the powerful voice of the people I love to listen to, but that doesn't mean I don't have a voice.
So on Saturday night, I'm doing some karaoke with my friend Jean who LOVES her some karaoke. I can't wait. I have a lot of ideas of what songs I might sing, but I might just see what mood strikes me. And I will reclaim my voice. And hopefully I will not humiliate myself.
Suggestions are welcome in the comments section.
(Disclaimer: I did do karaoke on my 21st birthday. It was "Shoop" obviously, but the only part I really remember is that some chick from the crowd kept trying to steal Jenn's microphone while she sung back up and I told her to back the fuck off. I'd like a better experience this next time. Also, I'd like to remember it.)
When I was younger, I LOVED to sing, and I didn't care who heard. I belted it out anytime I could. My stuffed animals were subjected to many concerts, and there was always generous applause. In 8th grade, I was in choir, and even then I did a solo in front of the whole school.
My freshman year of college, I lived in the dorms two doors down from the wonderful Sarah. She also loved (loves?) to sing. Whenever we needed to blow off a little steam, or just be really obnoxious, we'd crank some Alanis Morissette or Sarah McLachlan or RENT (It was '97, people) and lay on the floor and sing at the top of our lungs to the captive audience of our waffle shaped ceilings. The ladies on our floor LOVED it.
When I made the decision to leave that school, Sarah and I were both sad because we'd formed one of those friendships where you knew that it would be forever, but being at different schools was going to make our lives a lot harder. Somehow, we hadn't managed to make any other friends there. This is ridiculous, especially if you know how fabulous we both are. Anyway, before I left, we decided to get really drunk and make ourselves a little mix tape to remind us of the good times. We called it "Singing to the Waffle".
That was 10 years ago. We've stayed very close, despite living far apart, and for my birthday, she burned me cds of that same mix. It cracks me up, but it was a great gift. I threw the cd in while I was home alone and taking a shower the other day (there is no way to write that without it sounding weirdly dirty in my head) and realized that I still really love belting out those songs to no one in particular.
At some point in the last 10 years, I'd forgotten that I loved to sing. I started hating my voice, because I believe that I sound like a child when I speak, and in many of my jobs to date, that has hindered my ability to advance. (Male dominated industries do not really like the idea of dealing with 10 year olds. Jerks.)
In a mere six weeks, I will be working with children full time. The odds of me having to sing in front of them is 100%. And if I hate my voice, I'm only hurting myself. So I need to reclaim that part of me that knows I'll never have the powerful voice of the people I love to listen to, but that doesn't mean I don't have a voice.
So on Saturday night, I'm doing some karaoke with my friend Jean who LOVES her some karaoke. I can't wait. I have a lot of ideas of what songs I might sing, but I might just see what mood strikes me. And I will reclaim my voice. And hopefully I will not humiliate myself.
Suggestions are welcome in the comments section.
(Disclaimer: I did do karaoke on my 21st birthday. It was "Shoop" obviously, but the only part I really remember is that some chick from the crowd kept trying to steal Jenn's microphone while she sung back up and I told her to back the fuck off. I'd like a better experience this next time. Also, I'd like to remember it.)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Some party pics
I finally have a few pics from the party, so I can tell some stories. To be honest, I black out too easily these days, so a lot of it is fuzzy, but I'm doing my best. The highlights were hearing everyone's dirt, Tim wearing my shoes, Syph spreading the love (ew) and everyone being drunk. Anyone reading this, feel free to use the comment section to remind me of things I forgot.
OH! But my roommates and my sister organized a group of people to buy me a new iPod nano, and I LOVE it. And I was totally surprised and it was ridiculous. The weekend ended with me feeling spoiled and adored, my two favorite things.
This is me making jello shots while talking to my mom. She is very proud. Everyone who walked in the door had to do a jello shot and tell me a story about something dumb they did in their 20's. I have some good dirt on people now. I recommend this tactic.
These are just some of the awesome people who showed up.
We finally took the time to actually prove that Blaire's arm IS, in fact, as long as my leg. That's why she always gets things off the top shelf for me. And hits people from across the room. She's handy that way.
Timmy discovered that he can wear my shoes. He mocked my boots all morning when I wore them to breakfast, but he's totally working them right now, don't you think?
Sarah and Tim brought Syph to continue to spread the madness...and bacteria. Here he is, keeping the cupcakes company. The cupcakes were already like that (by accident), and it just got way funnier when we put an STD next to them.
Definitely the end of the night- we are busting some serious moves. This tradition goes way back at my b-day parties. :)
OH! But my roommates and my sister organized a group of people to buy me a new iPod nano, and I LOVE it. And I was totally surprised and it was ridiculous. The weekend ended with me feeling spoiled and adored, my two favorite things.
This is me making jello shots while talking to my mom. She is very proud. Everyone who walked in the door had to do a jello shot and tell me a story about something dumb they did in their 20's. I have some good dirt on people now. I recommend this tactic.
These are just some of the awesome people who showed up.
We finally took the time to actually prove that Blaire's arm IS, in fact, as long as my leg. That's why she always gets things off the top shelf for me. And hits people from across the room. She's handy that way.
Timmy discovered that he can wear my shoes. He mocked my boots all morning when I wore them to breakfast, but he's totally working them right now, don't you think?
Sarah and Tim brought Syph to continue to spread the madness...and bacteria. Here he is, keeping the cupcakes company. The cupcakes were already like that (by accident), and it just got way funnier when we put an STD next to them.
Definitely the end of the night- we are busting some serious moves. This tradition goes way back at my b-day parties. :)I want to put up a picture of my sister, but I only have one and I think I look like ass, so this is it for now.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Shaynea strikes again!
It is a well known fact that 95% of the time, if I leave the office with Shaynea, I'm going to get hit on by someone in the fast food industry. Seriously. I'm running out of places that I can eat. Just now, we went to Subway so she could pick up a little sammy, and right before we walked in, I was hit by one of those random gigantic drops of ick from who knows where. I just know it felt like it soaked my entire head, so I was bitching about it. Loudly. She ordered her food, and then I was just standing behind her because I already ate lunch and just went along for the walk. Guy #1 asked if I wanted anything, and I said no. Then guy #2 starts asking me if I'm sure, and telling me they have chips, sandwiches and cookies. Like I'm unfamiliar with the options, and that's what might be slowing me down. So I just tell him that I already ate, and try to catch Shaynea's eye like, WTF? Finally, #2 is all, want a free cookie? And you know me, I can't ever turn down a free cookie, so I take him up on it, then #1 starts trying to take credit for it. Then we're finally up to the point where we pay, and cash register dude (#3) is all, "Say, what did you ladies get for Valentine's Day?" and I very cleverly say, "Um, a cookie from that guy." So then #3 says, "Well, let me get that sandwich and chips, too." So, they're all flirting with me (I'm not just saying that, seriously. Shaynea will back me up on this.) but SHAYNEA gets a free lunch? Then they throw in a free cookie for her, too? Seriously, sometimes I think she's just trying to help herself out. She also gets much better service at the Billy Goat if I go with her, AND extra hash browns. I'm starting to wonder if she's spreading rumors about me being into dirty things for free food. Don't even talk to me about Taco Fresco and the bank.
Also, #2 told me that he'd take me to dinner if I let him, and I said something very cute like, "Mumble mumble mumble look away..."
So Happy VD everyone!
In the spirit of the day, I'm doing a little matchmaking for the kiddies: I fully believe that this kid should marry Natty G. When she's a rapper, of course. (Watch the whole video, he totally breaks it down somewhere near the 2:00 mark.)
XOXO,
Rachel
PS- I do not tell this story to brag about my hotness (or lackthereof.) I am telling this story to prove the point that I attract all kinds, but ONLY when I'm with Shaynea. Blame it on Shaynea. (Yeah, yeah)
Also, #2 told me that he'd take me to dinner if I let him, and I said something very cute like, "Mumble mumble mumble look away..."
So Happy VD everyone!
In the spirit of the day, I'm doing a little matchmaking for the kiddies: I fully believe that this kid should marry Natty G. When she's a rapper, of course. (Watch the whole video, he totally breaks it down somewhere near the 2:00 mark.)
XOXO,
Rachel
PS- I do not tell this story to brag about my hotness (or lackthereof.) I am telling this story to prove the point that I attract all kinds, but ONLY when I'm with Shaynea. Blame it on Shaynea. (Yeah, yeah)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
This is a better story/Dating tips
About a month ago, I'm walking downtown, and it's cold, and kind of a long walk, and I'm cranky about being out of bed in general, so I'm all bundled up, head down just hoping that the day goes by quickly, when I hear someone yelling at me asking me to stop. I usually don't turn around, (I'm friendly that way) but I was thinking I may have dropped a mitten or something.
This black man in his 40's comes running up to me (from half a block away- that's important. I'm pretty sure at this point that he hadn't even seen my face) and says, "Miss, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just saw you back there and I think you are really beautiful and I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime." I just smiled politely, and told him that I have a boyfriend, but thank you. He helpfully tells me that if we're not talking about marriage then it's not serious, and I could still go out with him, but I don't think so. Then he says, "I mean, you have a beautiful face, but that ASS, I mean....you know that black men love big butts right? Does your boyfriend appreciate it? Does he get all up in there? He never tells you to lose weight does he? Because you should never let that thing get any smaller." Then he basically follows me for the next THREE BLOCKS saying stuff about how big and squishy my butt looks. "That thing is HUGE. It's juicy."
I realize he meant it as a compliment, but I have never been more self-conscious about the size of my butt. A note to all the men out there: If you ever want to see my ass naked, never spend any time at all telling me how big it is. It only makes me want to kick you. Also, please never say "Get all up in there" when I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. It's creepy.
This black man in his 40's comes running up to me (from half a block away- that's important. I'm pretty sure at this point that he hadn't even seen my face) and says, "Miss, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just saw you back there and I think you are really beautiful and I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime." I just smiled politely, and told him that I have a boyfriend, but thank you. He helpfully tells me that if we're not talking about marriage then it's not serious, and I could still go out with him, but I don't think so. Then he says, "I mean, you have a beautiful face, but that ASS, I mean....you know that black men love big butts right? Does your boyfriend appreciate it? Does he get all up in there? He never tells you to lose weight does he? Because you should never let that thing get any smaller." Then he basically follows me for the next THREE BLOCKS saying stuff about how big and squishy my butt looks. "That thing is HUGE. It's juicy."
I realize he meant it as a compliment, but I have never been more self-conscious about the size of my butt. A note to all the men out there: If you ever want to see my ass naked, never spend any time at all telling me how big it is. It only makes me want to kick you. Also, please never say "Get all up in there" when I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. It's creepy.
Bored-o
I am at work, which would lead you to believe that maybe I should be doing something. Like, oh, I don't know....working? What do they pay me for anyway? (This is actually a very good question, but as long as they keep the checks coming, let's not look too closely shall we?)
So, things that are on my mind lately:
The strike is over!!! Hooray! See, even if I haven't been watching much tv lately, at some point, I'm going to have a lot more time to watch tv, and I'd like it to be better than the reality crap I've been watching. Or trying not to watch.
I observed with my special needs kids again this morning, and every time I go, I feel more and more comfortable there, so maybe I'm rethinking my "never ever" thoughts on that. Then again, I'd probably burn out pretty quickly, so who knows. I have a boyfriend in that class, and he makes my heart go pitter patter. But he's only 6, and weirdly obsessed with butts. Seriously, if I would let him, he would spend all day patting my ass. I've seen him do it to other people too, but come on. An assman at 6?
Also, the teacher has started referring to them as "doompas". I'm sure that's not how that is spelled, but every time he says it, it makes me laugh. Sit on your doompa! Hands off of her doompa! Get that doompa over here!
I was trying to convince myself to donate my hair this weekend, and I suddenly find myself being a big fat whiny wimp about it. Turns out, I really like having long hair. I measured my ponytail last night, and it's 13 inches, so I have plenty that could go. Style suggestions are welcome.
I was having issues with my headphone cords when I was coming into work because my coat pockets aren't really conducive to putting anything in them. So I'm walking along, trying to get everything under control, and looking like a pretty uncoordinated freak when I almost hit a revolving door with my face because I wasn't paying attention. Of course, the cute guy who was spinning it when I wasn't looking was looking at me as he entered the building I was trying to leave, so I did the friendly, "I'll smile at you, and hope you don't think I'm an idiot" thing, and he smiled back and said hi, and I just jumped into the door and 10 feet later thought- SHIT! I should have said Hi. Brain, where were you on that one? No wonder I'm single.
So, things that are on my mind lately:
The strike is over!!! Hooray! See, even if I haven't been watching much tv lately, at some point, I'm going to have a lot more time to watch tv, and I'd like it to be better than the reality crap I've been watching. Or trying not to watch.
I observed with my special needs kids again this morning, and every time I go, I feel more and more comfortable there, so maybe I'm rethinking my "never ever" thoughts on that. Then again, I'd probably burn out pretty quickly, so who knows. I have a boyfriend in that class, and he makes my heart go pitter patter. But he's only 6, and weirdly obsessed with butts. Seriously, if I would let him, he would spend all day patting my ass. I've seen him do it to other people too, but come on. An assman at 6?
Also, the teacher has started referring to them as "doompas". I'm sure that's not how that is spelled, but every time he says it, it makes me laugh. Sit on your doompa! Hands off of her doompa! Get that doompa over here!
I was trying to convince myself to donate my hair this weekend, and I suddenly find myself being a big fat whiny wimp about it. Turns out, I really like having long hair. I measured my ponytail last night, and it's 13 inches, so I have plenty that could go. Style suggestions are welcome.
I was having issues with my headphone cords when I was coming into work because my coat pockets aren't really conducive to putting anything in them. So I'm walking along, trying to get everything under control, and looking like a pretty uncoordinated freak when I almost hit a revolving door with my face because I wasn't paying attention. Of course, the cute guy who was spinning it when I wasn't looking was looking at me as he entered the building I was trying to leave, so I did the friendly, "I'll smile at you, and hope you don't think I'm an idiot" thing, and he smiled back and said hi, and I just jumped into the door and 10 feet later thought- SHIT! I should have said Hi. Brain, where were you on that one? No wonder I'm single.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Lucky little girl
This is the short version of my birthday. (The long version will come when I have pictures and I can make it funnier.)
My last birthday was a hard one. I had just started school, and I was so exhausted and feeling lost that I didn't know how to deal. So I was a total crabass, and didn't even want to celebrate. And I LOVE celebrating my existence.
This year? That was not the case at all. Even today, 2 days after my actual bday sitting in my ugly little cube, I still am feeling very loved and very spoiled and very lucky.
Quick thank yous to these people:
Sarah and Tim for flying in to surprise me! Even though my spidey senses had a hunch that you might be coming, I didn't think you really would make it, and it meant a lot to me that you were willing to come take naps on my couch and eat breakfast with me.
Tiffany and Kristina for organizing the iPod Posse. Seriously, I almost cried.
Blaire, for the list of things the last 9 years have brought me. So true. I also almost cried. (What is WRONG with you people? Stop trying to make me cry!)
Skylar, for the Rachel's Birthday Marshmallow Mermaid Pie. I hope someone took a picture, because it was so pretty and so sweet and I love YOU for it.
Tedd for hauling the booze.
Tim for buying more booze. While wearing my shoes.
Lane for the mac'n cheese.
Everyone who came and took part in the bad story shenanigans and jello shots. And brought cupcakes.
Ok, that was longer than I intended it to be, but it's the best I can do for now. I hope I didn't forget anyone important, but know that there is more to come with this story.
And seriously, I think I have more booze now than when I started, so if anyone wants to come over for a drink anytime soon, please do. I'm not even kidding.
My last birthday was a hard one. I had just started school, and I was so exhausted and feeling lost that I didn't know how to deal. So I was a total crabass, and didn't even want to celebrate. And I LOVE celebrating my existence.
This year? That was not the case at all. Even today, 2 days after my actual bday sitting in my ugly little cube, I still am feeling very loved and very spoiled and very lucky.
Quick thank yous to these people:
Sarah and Tim for flying in to surprise me! Even though my spidey senses had a hunch that you might be coming, I didn't think you really would make it, and it meant a lot to me that you were willing to come take naps on my couch and eat breakfast with me.
Tiffany and Kristina for organizing the iPod Posse. Seriously, I almost cried.
Blaire, for the list of things the last 9 years have brought me. So true. I also almost cried. (What is WRONG with you people? Stop trying to make me cry!)
Skylar, for the Rachel's Birthday Marshmallow Mermaid Pie. I hope someone took a picture, because it was so pretty and so sweet and I love YOU for it.
Tedd for hauling the booze.
Tim for buying more booze. While wearing my shoes.
Lane for the mac'n cheese.
Everyone who came and took part in the bad story shenanigans and jello shots. And brought cupcakes.
Ok, that was longer than I intended it to be, but it's the best I can do for now. I hope I didn't forget anyone important, but know that there is more to come with this story.
And seriously, I think I have more booze now than when I started, so if anyone wants to come over for a drink anytime soon, please do. I'm not even kidding.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Why I Might Get Syphilis For My Birthday
(Short answer: Because I’m kinda asking for it.)
No, this is not the really nasty story you might be expecting. Then again, if you know me at all, maybe it is.
See, I have this funny little fascination with the disease. Not in a “Man, I wish I had that because maybe I could get a little time off of work” kind of way, but more a “Holy balls, there are so many ways to get that and have you SEEN the buses driving around town that say ‘Syphilis is BACK’? Because seriously, that shit scares me, and I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again” kind of way. But anyway.
Awhile back, my sister found this website. For those of you too lazy to follow the link, it’s a store that sells stuffed “animals” in the shape of germs like the cold, flu, athlete’s foot, etc. So she sends it out in this huge mass email about how cool it would be to give your loved one diseases, when her fiancée responds, “Sure, because nothing says love like the black death.” And me, having gone directly to the list of STDs they have there, (seriously, there’s an STD section! So awesome!) I have to then reply all like a total asshole and say, “Or SYPHILIS, jackass, how did you manage to miss that one?” After sending it, congratulating myself on my brilliance at showing Timmy that I’m funnier than he is, I see that the list of people I just sent that message to includes my dad. And I am immediately mortified. My dad is awesome and all, but as far as he knows, I don’t know words like “STD” or “gonorrhea”. But everyone else is apparently dying laughing. (See? I AM funny.)
But at that same point, I realize that Timmy’s birthday is coming up, and like he said, nothing says love like a communicable disease. So I go ahead and order it right up, and a few days of excitement later, (I’m going to have syphilis any day now!) syphilis shows up in the mail all pink and cute and fuzzy. I send it out to Colorado, where he has been informed that he is not allowed to open his gift from me until my sister is present. (He sent me an email telling me that, so I immediately had to inform my sister that, “Tim has syphilis and he doesn’t even know it! This is how diseases get spread, dammit!”) Eventually, he heads over to her house with the present in tow because he’s so curious about what is so funny about this envelope.
The next day, he went to work and told his coworkers that he got syphilis from his girlfriend’s little sister while she watched.
Seriously, quite possibly the best $6 I have ever spent.
No, this is not the really nasty story you might be expecting. Then again, if you know me at all, maybe it is.
See, I have this funny little fascination with the disease. Not in a “Man, I wish I had that because maybe I could get a little time off of work” kind of way, but more a “Holy balls, there are so many ways to get that and have you SEEN the buses driving around town that say ‘Syphilis is BACK’? Because seriously, that shit scares me, and I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again” kind of way. But anyway.
Awhile back, my sister found this website. For those of you too lazy to follow the link, it’s a store that sells stuffed “animals” in the shape of germs like the cold, flu, athlete’s foot, etc. So she sends it out in this huge mass email about how cool it would be to give your loved one diseases, when her fiancée responds, “Sure, because nothing says love like the black death.” And me, having gone directly to the list of STDs they have there, (seriously, there’s an STD section! So awesome!) I have to then reply all like a total asshole and say, “Or SYPHILIS, jackass, how did you manage to miss that one?” After sending it, congratulating myself on my brilliance at showing Timmy that I’m funnier than he is, I see that the list of people I just sent that message to includes my dad. And I am immediately mortified. My dad is awesome and all, but as far as he knows, I don’t know words like “STD” or “gonorrhea”. But everyone else is apparently dying laughing. (See? I AM funny.)
But at that same point, I realize that Timmy’s birthday is coming up, and like he said, nothing says love like a communicable disease. So I go ahead and order it right up, and a few days of excitement later, (I’m going to have syphilis any day now!) syphilis shows up in the mail all pink and cute and fuzzy. I send it out to Colorado, where he has been informed that he is not allowed to open his gift from me until my sister is present. (He sent me an email telling me that, so I immediately had to inform my sister that, “Tim has syphilis and he doesn’t even know it! This is how diseases get spread, dammit!”) Eventually, he heads over to her house with the present in tow because he’s so curious about what is so funny about this envelope.
The next day, he went to work and told his coworkers that he got syphilis from his girlfriend’s little sister while she watched.
Seriously, quite possibly the best $6 I have ever spent.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Sicky sickerson
I woke up this morning feeling a bit under the weather. (But trust me, with all of the winter crap going on, I am truly OVER this weather.) Am I sick enough to have taken the entire day off? Debatable. But let's be honest- I need to be well for my party on Saturday and I hate my job. So basically, I just need to be well, and it would seem that laying on the couch and watching an America's Next Top Model marathon is a quality, cutting edge of medicine healing plan. Yes, this is in fact how I look at my priorities. (Mental note: do not give tell your boss about this blog.)
I promise something more interesting soon. But now I need to listen to Tyra tell chicks to be fierce.
I promise something more interesting soon. But now I need to listen to Tyra tell chicks to be fierce.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Is this thing on?
So, my sister has been on me for a few years now about starting my own blog, so here we go. The main concept is going to be based on a list I have made for myself of things I need to do before I turn 30. I have a year. I figure this way, I'll be able to come up with topics AND quit in a year if I don't dig this whole experience. Something more interesting will come up here soon.
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