Monday, August 18, 2008

List check = Life check

I was just looking at this list of things I have created for myself for my year of being 29 and...I really don't think I'm going to be able to cross all of these things off. But I can if I cheat. For example, I was going to train for a half marathon this summer, but just didn't feel like it. And not training was kind of fabulous. But I did do one back in '04, so can I cross it off the list? Or, I should have been more specific about dating someone I wouldn't normally date. Could TR 2.0 count, because I wouldn't normally go on a date while I was on vacation? The condo thing is a whole mess of other factors to consider so it may or may not happen. The weight loss is in progress, but not as quickly as I'd like. The nude modeling is definitely not going to happen without that. Still working on the blind date. Learning to snowboard and making it to Europe before my b-day? Probably not going to work out. The fish will happen in the next few weeks. The bridesmaid dress thing will be later- I'm thinking of having a fancy party either for the holidays or as a housewarming if I buy a condo. Or should I just donate them?

I guess since it is my list, and my plan to do all of these things, the decision is mine, right? If I cheat, does anyone really care? Will anyone be upset with me? Doubtful.

Work starts up again officially next week, even though I'm planning on spending a lot of time there this week, too...and then my summer of freedom is over. And I will be free again next summer, but I'm having trouble reminding myself that when school starts, while I will be busier, I still won't be as crazy busy as I was before. Life can have more than two speeds- I don't have to be running around 15 hours a day or not doing anything. There is a happy medium there, I just haven't seen it in awhile and I don't entirely remember how to do it. I'm sure I'll figure it out just fine, but it will be weird. People keep giving me the big "boo-hoo" when I complain about going back to work, and I get it. But it's scary and life changing and scary. I just need to be nervous to light that fire in myself to go out and do it. Once I'm in it, it will be fine, but until then, I'll sit around being nervous. Very productive.

I keep thinking about the summer I moved from Missouri to the Chicago 'burbs. We moved in June or July, but in August I went back for a visit. I remember floating around in the pool with Kristin listening to REM singing "Nightswimming" on repeat all night and thinking about the line "September's coming soon..." because I was scared of starting school then, too. Because I was a junior in high school and didn't know yet about the amazing people I was going to meet and the great things I'd get to do. If I look at it that way, I actually have a leg up. I already know a lot of people there. Twenty-nine is a long way from sixteen, and I'm much more clear on who I am and I'm working on figuring out what I want from my life. Now that I've made some real progress on the career front, I have a few more things to figure out.

This post just changed considerably as I was writing it from what I had originally intended it to be. I think I'll leave it, because it's like journaling, but a lot less private. That's the tricky thing about these interwebs, no such thing as privacy. But when I put it out there, it makes things seem a little less... lonely isn't the word. Just less like I'm on this crazy trip on my own, because I get to take you with me. I get why people can be so personal in this format, but I also get why it is important to censor yourself now and again.

Anyway, I'm getting older and still having adventures and wasn't that kind of the point of the list?

Today's obvious song of the day: Nightswimming by REM. Hope the rambling is at least coherent.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Whatever, cheaters never win. And you're a cheater. Lame. You're lame. Yes, that's all I have to say.

Rachel said...

This is why all of my friends know you as The Bitch.

Sarah said...

Whatever.